Alone in a big big city

My hubby and I took a trip to the East Coast a couple of years ago.  It was an 11-day trip without kids--the first one we'd ever attempted. 

On day 2 in NYC we won a lottery to go see the show I'd been looking forward to (War Paint.)  And we were running just a little bit behind.  We were also pretty hungry.  The way I figured, we had just enough time to grab a slice of pizza on the way to the theater and we would still make it on time. 

We were there in the pizza joint, finished ordering, and the slices were handed to us.  Looking at the time, I saw we still had a few minutes, that we could eat right there in the shop. 

My hubby was flustered and concerned that the tickets would be given away if we didn't get there asap.  I wasn't concerned.

So we had a brief conversation about it, each of us asserting our position, and then he left. 

I knew where he was going.  The theater was just up the block and around the corner. 

But he left me.

He left me there, alone, in the middle of the concrete jungle, without another familiar face in the millions of faces around me. 

He just walked out and didn't look back.

If I were to do it again, I would probably just stand there and enjoy my slice before heading u pto the theater.  But i didn't.

Instead I picked up my things and walked out of the pizza joint, trying to enjoy my pizza on the 1/2 walk 1/2 run to catch up with him.

I don't remember if I even caught up with him, or if I just found him once we got to the theater.

I do remember that we didn't say anything to eachother virtually the whole time we were at the theater.

And then, once we left the theater, I wanted to address the earlier situation.  And the lonely feeling.

He didn't.

So I brought it up and told him how I'd felt.  I don't think he understood.  And I don't think he was able to really express his feelings about the situation. 

It was stupid, really.

I could've just left the pizza joint without the conversation, without asserting my desires or opinion. 

What would that have done? 

He still would have been flustered and concerned about the time.  We both would have been 1/2 walking 1/2 running up the street, and I still wouldn't have enjoyed my pizza.

But I did enjoy the show.  And maybe that's what he wanted.  Maybe he was more concerned that we would really miss the show and then I would have felt dissatisfied with the whole trip because of it.

Whatever his reasoning, all I remember is the feeling of being left. 

And though I was big girl and could handle myself in the city, at that moment, I felt very vulnerable. 

And though I had my cell phone, credit cards, and knew my way back to the apartment, at that moment, I felt suddenly at a loss. 

Though I was surrounded by dozens, and then hundreds, and then thousands of people at once, at that moment, I felt utterly and completely alone. 

So alone that I wonder if I can ever forget the feeling of being that alone.

I wonder if Adam ever left Eve alone in the jungle.  I wonder if he had ever just had too much and instead of staying and hashing it out decided to just walk away while she stood there enjoying her mango or passion fruit or cooked zebra or whatever. 

I wonder if in that moment, she got the sudden urge to 1/2 walk 1/2 run after him.  And I wonder if she caught up. 

I wonder if they had a conversation about it or if they just went on living once they were back together that night.

I wonder if she shared her feelings with him. 

The 10 Things

Morning Routine

Here are 10 things I do every single day to help me get ready to face the day and serve my family the way I want to.

All these things are amazingly simple. The trick, though, is to actually do them.

Some people say the order you do them in is crucial.

I say, if you do them all, or most of them, or at least some of them, give yourself a pat on the back, a gold star, and and ice cream sundae. 

And then go own your freakin' day. 

Without further ado, the 10 things:

1. Pray

Prayer is a communing with the Higher and Better. Whether you believe in God, an infinite being, the Universe, or other form of Deity, prayer puts us in a state of mind to recieve. It helps us open our minds and hearts to all that is around, lets us reflect on our purpose, and gives us focus for moving forward.

2. Make your bed

Making your bed signals to your mind that you are not going back into the bed until you decide it's time. When you make your bed, you put away the night and all things that came before and look forward to what's ahead.

3. Move

4. Eat breakfast

5. Shower, hair, face, and teeth

6. Envision yourself

7. Declare your truths

8. Choose your 1 thing

9. Dress your truth

10. Read something inspiring

BONUS: Hug!

Chapter NOW

We’re in Texas. 

We just got here a week ago, and already I feel like it’s been a lifetime. 

In a way I feel like I’ve always been here, like I was meant to be here all along. 

Well, not HERE in this house, in this neighborhood exactly. But here. Texas. With this family; these people. In this mindset. In this time frame. It’s feels right. 

It’s feels…NOW. 

I feel like me again. Just a little more quiet. Thoughtful, maybe. 

Simple. 

Basic. 

I’m ready to create. 

Iris

And I don't want the world to see me, 'cuz i don't think that they'd understand.

When everything's made to be broken, I just want to you to know who I am.

These song lyrics have been playing over and over in my mind for a few weeks now. And I realized this is exactly what i want. I don't care if the world sees me, though sometimes i know it seems that's exactly what i want. They don't really see me. They don't see all of me. What I want is for you to see me. To BE seen. To be noticed and cared about and fawned over. 

I want you to SEE me. To feel me without me having to touch you. Without having to ask you. 

I want you to know who I am. I want ME to know who I am. I want you to see me for who I am, and not turn away. To stay and stare. Through the good, the bad, the ugly. 

I want you to see, I wish you could see, all the things. All the moments. Everything I've seen. I wish you could see where I've been, what I've conquered. All the scary stuff. The Shizz. The dark places. And hold my hand through it all to the light. 

That's all I want.

Is that too much to ask?