Mother Nature Vision

I have a vision of me flying over the earth. Then walking through a lush, wild garden of wildflowers, white daisy-like flowers, and purple hyacinth with yellow daffodils and dandelions, baby's breath, green hairy cattails. I am walking in a while flow dress. Flying in white flows dress. 

Over the earth. Mother Nature herself. 

I am walking, flying--moving through, moving over, removed form the chaos. 

I am dressed simply but exquisitely.

My hair is down and flowy. There's a flower wreath, white flowers around my head in the garden scene.

I am followed by children and their mothers and even some men. 

I am easy to follow because my path is clear before me and after me. 

The only thing that concerns me is that I'm alone. 

I don't mind it though, in the visions.

I only mind when I think about what that means for me and my children.

I want to force myself to see more, but that's all I see right now.

The garden, and pure space.

The Booth - Jane Doe

Jane is tired of being alone,  Jane wants to move on.  She has been in limbo for a very long time and the process is old to her.  She has set herself up as the unofficial official of the Booth because there is nothing else to do.  She is not interested in forming a relationship, because she has been hurt by one before.  Or two.  She keeps to herself except when on official Booth business.   She is not going to wait around forever and do nothing.  She will use the Booth to control the only thing she can--her own experience and her own time in hell.  She feels like she's in hell because she can't progress.

Jane wants to love and trust.  She wants to move on with her life.  She wants someone to care about her, and love her and to be inspired by her the way that she cares about and loves and is inspired by each person who arrives.  She wants her life to be meaningful, she wants a family of her own.  She wants to belong. 

Jane is afraid that no matter what she does, she will never belong.  She is afraid of being stuck here forever.  She is afraid that if she doesn't figure this out by herself, and now, that nothing will ever ever change and she will be alone and lonely forever.  Jane is scared of connection.  Jane is afraid of anything going wrong and breaking the Booth because it means she will never progress.

Jane needs to feel connected.  Jane needs attention and to be able to give attention.  Jane wants more than anything to know who she is and what her life is about.

FACT:

Jane has been in limbo for the longest of anyone she knows. 

Jane thinks she knows how the Booth works.

Jane is ethnically ambiguous in a world where most of the other people are European descent.

Jane wants her paper; she believes it will help her remember. 

My bedroom, My stage

When I was 11 or 12 I would spend hours in my room performing musical numbers full out to my bedroom wall. That was the only place I felt at home. 

I was Pocahontas, Just Around The Riverbend or painting with all the colors of the wind. 

Gloria, singing about love and rhythm and dance. 

Madonna, preaching about celebrating and holidays and Bonita Islas I had never been to. 

It’s no wonder I gravitate to musical performance art over and over. 

It was my world when my world crashed. 

It was my life, the only thing that really brought me a feeling of deep joy, or deep sorrow…feeling. Emotion that was safe. It was a safe place to explore my emotions. 

It also was a great way to spend my time, I thought productively. 

So when the opportunity came to take it to stages, I was ready. 

I’m still ready. 

I still sing and perform by myself in my bedroom. Only now I do it in front of a camera. And then I send the Performance to producers and it’s called an audition. 

Weird, huh?

Still one of the only places I feel really safe and really at home.