Marathon Cry

My 9-year-old told me that crying is a sign of weakness.  

I asked him if he thinks that God is weak.  

He said no.

Then I told him of Jesus when he wept at Lazarus' tomb, and then with the Nephite children.

I read about God weeping for the wickedness of his children.  

God has cried.  

And I believe God does cry.  

For us.  

And maybe sometimes because of us.

But mostly I think God cries with us.  

It is God's nature to "mourn with those that mourn" and to "succor those that stand in need of succor."  

I think we never cry alone.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with emotion that I cry until I can't see straight.

Last night was one of those nights.

I won't go into detail about what it was that sparked the tears, but mostly it was out of frustration.  The frustration of feeling like time has been lost.  Feeling regret for decisions I made when I was unaware of the consequences. 

Good solid crying. 

And a few hours of it.  

It was the kind of crying that makes you feel like you've been forced to run a marathon where you fell in the mud while the other runners kept running and then someone picked you up and dumped a bucket of ice water over you to help you snap out of it but the ice water just sent you into hypothermia insead, and and all you want to do is lay down for a year but you know if you do you'll just feel even worse about missing all the things you'll miss that year so you just stand there staring at the open road ahead until your eyelids can't possibly stay open anymore so you reluctantly let them droop shut while trying to remember whether you voluntarily signed up for the marathon in the first place or if you were doing it for a friend or whether you were there as a spectator and somehow got pulled in but it doesn't really matter at this point because here you are all muddy and bloody sweaty and and tired and what you wouldn't do for a shower and a doughnut right now.

That kind of crying.

In fact, it was such a good, solid cry that I slept for about 12 hours afterward.  

I can't say I like crying.  But I can't say that I don't like it either.

Crying just happens.  It's not good or bad.  It's not strong or weak.  It just is.  

Little kids are experts on crying.

Last week, we took my 2 small nieces to Zion National Park.  At the end of a long, fun day of hiking and playing in the water, I took the 4-year-old to the restroom to change into some dry clothes before we headed home.  Once we were in the stall she had a meltdown about having to change her clothes (she wanted to stay in her wet ones) and she started to bawl so loud that people could hear her outside. 

I tried to calm her down and after a few minutes of what I thought was enough time to let her get her emotions out I told her, "Ok, no more crying now."  

Her reply struck me.  "No, I CAN cry."

It was a declaration. 

I CAN cry.

She was right.  

She had every right to cry.  

Her crying wasn't hurting me or anyone else in the room or anyone outside other than irritating our nerves or giving us a helpless feeling of not being able to soothe they crying child.  

She was absolutely right.  She CAN cry.  She is allowed to cry.  It is her right.  It is her choice.

And her crying did not change the fact that we were changing her clothes or that it was time to go home.  She simply wanted to express how she felt about it all.  And she did.

After that I had the thought that I can cry (which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone who knows me at all.)  But the point is that my crying or frustration or expression of feelings about my situation does not change my situation or change what has happened or what still needs to happen.  It's simply a release that I have a right--and a choice--to let happen.  Or not.

I CAN cry. 

You can cry.

It won't solve anything.

It won't change anything.

The only potential damage is irritation or possible helplessness felt by others.  But then, how they handle those feelings and emotions is their choice.

And although having someone there to physically calm or soothe us is sometimes comforting, none of us needs anyone to tell us when it's time to be done crying.   

So go ahead and cry.  

The marathon cry might not always be the best.  

But it might not always be the worst either.

You are God's child, and you are blessed with the ability to cry.  It's in our nature.  It is our choice.