What I "Need" To Be Vs. What I Want to Be

Have you ever felt a little bit at war within yourself, knowing what you want to do & be, but thinking there's something else that you "need" to do, someone else that you "need" to be?

I've felt a little bit like that today.

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When I was in 8th grade I saw a flyer on the wall at my junior high school. It was advertising the upcoming high school show choir auditions. When I saw the flyer, it was magnetic. I felt compelled to do exactly what the flyer invited me to do, and go to the audition. I absolutely had to go. So of course I went. 

And I got accepted into the choir. 

When I told my dad about my new found passion, he was less than enthusiastic.

He said I could join the choir only if I also tried out for the soccer team.

>>How does that make any sense?!?<<

You can do the thing that you feel extremely passionate about, if and only if, you do this other thing that you are not interested in doing at all. Which, by-the-way, will take hours and hours from the thing that you want to do and leave you exhausted, strapped, and unable to focus.  You'll also have absolutely no time for anything else, and you'll feel like an absolute maniac because you'll be literally running from one activity to another every day.  

You good with that?

>>What?<<

Well, I did it.

I went out for the soccer team and I made the team. Just not the Varsity team, the other team. 

No, not the Junior Varsity team.

The other team.

The freshman team.

(**Insert disappointing wah-wah-waaaaahhh sound.**)

No surprise since I didn't want to be there in the first place.

But whatever. 

I had to put in the hours of practice with the lowest-level team.

Whatever.

I had to miss the thing that I wanted to be doing to be here with this lame-o team.

Whatevs!

I was doing what I had to do to get what I really wanted.

Needless to say, I didn't last halfway through the season. I quit. 

I was done with soccer forever.

I felt better knowing that I wasn't letting either of my teams down, my soccer team or my choir team by missing practice or rehearsal for the other one.

But what I walked away with was this unconscious belief that I didn't realize until now I'd carried with me. 

For 24 years I've carried it with me.

The belief is this: I am allowed to do what I want to do if, and only if, I do something that I don't want to do along with it.

What.

How many times has that showed up as a reality for me?

Uhh, probably like a billion.

Man that sucks.

I have made my life so hard with this belief.

So today I gave myself permission to choose some new beliefs for myself, and to obliterate this old, annoying, limiting belief.

So without further ado...

Here are my new beliefs, in no particular order:

- I am allowed to do what I want. Period.

- I am doing all the great things I choose to do.

- I'm choosing to do the things I want to do because they make me happy.

- I am choosing for me.

- I am cheering me on.

When I think of these, I feel so much lighter and happier and joyful than I do when I think of the old, stinky, limiting belief.

If I were to go back to my 14-year-old self as my new, empowered, smarter, higher, better self, I would take her in my arms and give her the biggest, strongest hug I could muster.

And then this is what would happen next...

I would tell her, it's ok to slow down, you don't have to run so fast. 

You are awesome and amazing for doing all that you do.

I love you for your determination and spark.

Here, let me carry that heavy soccer bag for you.

What you really want to do is sing, isn't it?

I want you to sing. Sing at the top of your lungs, sister!

And then, when she started singing, I would sing along with her.

Our voice would fill the room, the air, and the literal universe.

We would sing all the hope and happiness we could muster.

And there would be a gospel choir in the background. Supporting us. Bolstering us, adding to our magnificence.

Sister, I would say to my child of a self, you are on fire.

Yes, we are, I would say back to me.

And then we'd go on singing.

Projecting.

Loudly.

To the masses.

And that's how it would end.

It wouldn't end.

Just, the moment would be suspended in my mind. As I walk on. Doing all the things I want to do. Because I want to. And I'm happy.

Choosing for me.

Cheering me on.

Allowing myself to do what I want. 

To be what I want. 

To serve how I want.

Deciding that, all I really want to be, all I really need to be, is me.